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Thursday, September 15, 2016

Holy Shit! Profanity in Tattoo Shops!

A client was researching shops that would tackle a cover up over three failed tattooed attempts, and found us. He informed us that in his searches, he found a review of the shop that criticized us for our use of PROFANITY,... apparently he heard swearing in a tattoo studio! Yes, he did! I've seen this before, reviews of some of the most legendary tattoo studios in the country, being slammed for their filthy language. Philistines! Since I am such a civic minded person, and want to help people insulate themselves and disassociate from reality as much as humanly possible, I've compiled a list of other pursuits and endeavors that reviewer may want to avoid at all costs as to not tarnished his tender, virginal earbuds.

THE HOLY BIBLE: The,... wait, what? Oh yes! The Bible contains plenty of dirty language,... whore, bastard, Hell, piss, shit,... yes, you have to read it in the original language, something not one single American voting for Trump has ever done, but if you do, you have lovely word choices, like ben 'ayah mardwth, (son of a bitch), shagel, (fucking) and skubala (shit).
     But forget about the individual words, the Bible is filled cover to cover with such vile descriptions of sex, rape, incest, blood letting, war, genocide, and other profane acts, it's amazing it's the not the #1 selection of the Brownshirts who think the Banned Book List is too short. Here's a quick checklist, read it at your leisure:
* Curses, translating to "Go to Hell!" or "Damn you!", James 3:10, 2 Peter 2:4
* Comparing a husband's cock to ivory elephant tusks: Song of Solomon 5:14
* Donkey sized cocks, horse size ejaculate: Ezekiel 23:20
* Getting dad drunk, screwing him, and getting pregnant: Genesis 19:34
* Chopping 200 foreskins as trophies, trading them for a wife: 1 Samuel 18:27
* Spoiling sperm, smearing shit on faces: Malachi 2:3
* Baby killing as an anti-depressant: Pslam 137:9
* Amputated hands for grabbing ball sacks: Deuteronomy 25:11
* Gang rape my virgin daughter!: Judges 19:22-27
* Bloody tampons: Isaiah 64:6, Leviticus 20:18
* Hemorrhoid plagues: 1 Samuel 6:4-5
* Cannibal families: 2 Kings 6:26-29, Jeremiah 19:9, Deuteronomy 28:53, Ezekiel 5:9-10
* Dinah, raped, entire city circumcised and slaughtered: Genesis 34:1-31
* 42 boys mauled by a bear for making fun of bald people: 2 Kings 2:23
* Crushed testicles are bad: Deuteronomy 23:1
* Infanticide, theft, and a side of rape: Isaiah 13:16
* Don't rape these angels, take my daughters instead!: Genesis 19:8
* TITTIES!: Song of Solomon 4:5
* Cooking with shit: Ezekiel 4:15
* Pay cash to keep your rape victim: Deuteronomy 22:28-29
* Keep the virgins, kill the rest: Numbers 31:17-18
* Cuckolding: 2 Samuel 12:11
* Death for withdrawal: Genesis 38: 8-10
* Parents, kill your children: Zechariah 13:3
* Slavery A-OK!: Leviticus 25: 44-46, Exodus 21:7, 1 Peter 2:18
* Excrement,... holy shit!: Deuteronomy 23: 12-14
* Burning prostitutes: Leviticus 21:9
* Flogging, scourging for fun: Proverbs 20:30
* Wife not a virgin on your wedding night? KILL HER!: Deuteronomy 22:20-21
* More semen: Leviticus 15:16

God, the Bible is so rapey! Keep that shit out of our friendly neighborhood tattoo shop!

BROADWAY! : Love a good show tune? How about a little Cole Porter?

You're the top!
You're Miss Pinkham's tonic
You're the top!
You're a high colonic
You're the burning heat
Of a bridal suite in use
You're the breasts of Venus
You're King Kong's penis
You're self-abuse!
You're an arch
In the Rome collection
You're the starch
In a groom's erection
I'm a eunuch who
Has just been through an op
But if, baby, I'm the bottom
You're the top!

A little louder next time,... Broadway is rife with profanity, from 'A Chorus Line's' "Tits and Ass", to 'The Book of Mormon's' "Hasa Diga Eebowei", (the chorus of which is "Fuck You God In The Ass, Mouth, and Cunt"). Pippin, Hair, Cabaret, Sweeney Todd, Rent, Jersey Boys, Hamilton,... 
all award winning classics that helped define the medium itself. You thought you were out for a night of culture and song, instead, you're learning about how Joseph Smith fucked a frog to cure his AIDS.

THE BLUES: All that old timey spiritual music, certainly you can play the Blues over the sound system in my safe place bunker, right? Oh, hell no. The Blues is so dirty, it has it's own listing on Wikipedia:

And check out this gem from

"got nipples on my titties, big as the end of my thumb; I got somethin' between my legs'll make a dead man come.
You know it's a good song when the first two lines reference necrophilia and giant freak nipples."

CINEMA: You like movies, don't you? Well, here's a short list of directors who's films you should never expose yourself to, because, well, motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane: Scorcese, Coppola, Kubrick, DH Lawrence, Hughes, Spielberg, Tarantino, Anderson, Fincher, Hitchcock, Lynch, Allen, Cameron, Scott, Jackson, Stone, Lee, De Palma, Polanski, Veerhoven, Carpenter, Cronenberg, Zemeckis, Del Toro, Leone, Van Sant, Craven, Corman, Coen, Fellini, and just forget seeing anything by John Waters. Your tender sensibilities will spontaneously combust. 

LITERATURE: You can't go to the theatre, see a play, or watch pretty much any movie,... hey, you're not going to let all that profanity get in the way of expanding your mind. Well, stoke the bonfires, because if grown up talk isn't your thing, then there's entire of libraries that need to be razed to the ground. Forget all about - For Whom The Bell Tolls, by Hemingway, Gone With The Wind, by Mitchell, The Grapes of Wrath, by Steinbeck, The Great Gatsby, by Fitzgerald, Howl, by Ginsberg, Fahrenheit 451, by Bradbury, Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, by Twain, In Cold Blood, by Capote, Leaves of Grass, by Whitman, Catcher In The Rye, by Salinger, Lord of the Flies, by Golding, Of Mice and Men, by Steinbeck, The Color Purple, by Walker, Ulysses, by Joyce, Catch-22, by Heller, Brave New World, by Huxley, As I Lay Dying, by Faulkner, Native Son, Wright, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, by Kesey, Slaughterhouse Five, by Vonnegut, Clockwork Orange, by Burgess, Naked Lunch, by Burroughs. 

All these books, all timeless classics, have been banned, solely on the basis of their WORDS. Bunch of foul mouthed deplorable criminals, these literate types, what with all their writing, and thoughts, and ideas. 

COMEDY: I guess it goes without saying, if you're offended by bad language, you'll have to never ever expose yourself from just about every and any stand up comedian since the invention of the microphone. Ironically, George Carlin's famous "Seven Words You Can't Say on Television" premiered in Nineteen Hundred and Seventy TWO. And as you can see, this ignorant country has the car in reverse, and we haven't come one single step forward since Jerry Ford was in office. 

Ironically, if you're looking for a classic stand up comic who refuses to work blue, you could always try that bastion of morality and family vales,... Bill Cosby. Oh,... oh wait a fucking minute,...

Hopefully, you're getting the idea. I could keep going all night. Mozart? A total pervert. Shakespeare? Fugghedaboutit. Just about every form of music imaginable, from reggae to punk. Anything on cable TV. The ENTIRE FUCKING INTERNET. Forget about riding the subway, going to any sporting event, or entering any town with a population outside of double digits. 

Seriously? We CURSE? It's a fucking tattoo shop, Sherlock! This one is named after SUICIDE! The owner has the words UGLY FUCK tattooed on his knuckles! We just finished making tattooing LEGAL in all fifty states just a few years ago. New Jersey is still illegal today, in many cities. The last century, tattooing has been purveyed by outlaws. Without those outlaws passing the torch, despite how many church groups and politicians fought to keep them underground like back alley abortionists, those same people, who leave one star reviews based on the swear words they heard, would not be caught dead in tattoo shops today. 

Do you complain about all the nudity at the strip club? All the drinking going on at the bar? All that pot smoking and dancing at the music festival? All the grinding on the dance floor? These are adult activities, and this is how the vast majority of adults behave. And if you don't like it, if our WORDS bother you so greatly, while we're at war with the wrong countries for two decades, and is rife with real time problems like homelessness and heroin overdoses, why, you, you sanctimonious self righteous scum sucking prick, we've got three words for you. 




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